So, I took that look in the mirror. Literally and figuratively. I did find some things I didn't like and I am taking steps to change them.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Who
And tonight the question is "who am I?" I am a motorcyclist, indeed, however I don't think that is who I am any longer. I am also no longer a strongman. (Apparently thinking about being a strongman is not enough! And I've lost sight of and any connection to the need for being a strongman.) I am a guitarist and a singer. Middling. Both.
Perhaps I am a writer. Perhaps I am a poet. Perhaps an essayist? Perhaps not.
Tonight I am going to take a look in the mirror. I don't think I'll find the answer to tonight's question by ponderance, so I will see what is carried in the reflection.
Perhaps I am a writer. Perhaps I am a poet. Perhaps an essayist? Perhaps not.
Tonight I am going to take a look in the mirror. I don't think I'll find the answer to tonight's question by ponderance, so I will see what is carried in the reflection.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
The inspiration and the poem
The inspiration - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bCgaHoqGYU
The poem
She immersed herself in his song
Swam in it and swayed
She looked at him and saw him as he was
Beautiful and imperfect
And she loved him
Now and forever
Whither he went, whither he did
He stood tall and square and occasionally bowed his head in thought and repose
And he sang beautiful songs
And his river ran deep
To depths beyond light
He stood tall and square and he knew he knew love
Hers
And his
They immersed themselves in their song
Swam in it and swayed
The poem
She immersed herself in his song
Swam in it and swayed
She looked at him and saw him as he was
Beautiful and imperfect
And she loved him
Now and forever
Whither he went, whither he did
He stood tall and square and occasionally bowed his head in thought and repose
And he sang beautiful songs
And his river ran deep
To depths beyond light
He stood tall and square and he knew he knew love
Hers
And his
They immersed themselves in their song
Swam in it and swayed
Sometimes
Sometimes...
I don't feel strong.
All I want to do is sleep.
Sometimes...
It all feels stacked up.
And it hurts.
Sometimes...
I feel lonely.
Sometimes...
I just want to be held.
Most of the time I am strong enough for the world and have vision and answers. Most of the time I am there. Most of the time.
But sometimes...
I don't feel strong.
All I want to do is sleep.
Sometimes...
It all feels stacked up.
And it hurts.
Sometimes...
I feel lonely.
Sometimes...
I just want to be held.
Most of the time I am strong enough for the world and have vision and answers. Most of the time I am there. Most of the time.
But sometimes...
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I am a...
I was 12 in 1974. Certainly in most ways a modern era, yet in others it was ages ago. What do you remember from 1974? What do you remember from being 12?
Briefly and in random order here are a few of mine in terms of statements and thoughts:
• “You were queering with me, too”. Said the Boy Scout leader to the other leaders in defense of fondling me in a tent one night.
• This is bad I’ve got to get out of here.
• If mom or dad find out I’m in trouble.
I learned that’s how boys handle this kind of shame. And it becomes how a man handles things. We don’t talk. “If I tell mom or dad,( or my friends, or my wife, or)…trouble”.
It wasn’t a Scouting event that day/night. He was pretty cool – let us shoot guns on his parents’ property, make camp fires and do real camping; not just me, but lots of boys.
But, simply, it was cold, cold, cold that night and I was so cold I couldn’t sleep. I said, “I’m freezing”. He said climb in my sleeping bag. I did. It was warmer, but also sickeningly creepy. There wasn’t a lot of room. His hands on me. Not necessary. Not necessary.
I got out.
Did he do that to other boys? I don’t know, but I am certain.
I never knew why the leadership of Troop 134 of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church was unceremoniously removed and replaced a year or so later. I don’t know if my mom and dad know. I think they do; there was a meeting the parents attended. Nothing was shared. What I think happened is that another boy was assaulted and this boy did tell his parents, and his parents did go to the church and did demand…a change.
The church, the BSA, the parents made it go away. No crime was committed – just really gross, unseemly behavior. Sick, perverted behavior. And that’s what you did back then – you made it go away and put it out of your mind and I guess it didn’t matter one fucking little bit that the goddamn perpetrator was still out there. Out there was ok, because it wasn’t “here”.
I don’t think my mom and dad know I was a victim. I never told them.
I know why the grad student didn’t stop the assault taking place in the shower at Penn State, why Joe Pa only reported it internally, why the assistant coach, the assailant, was allowed to keep his reputation intact. Even today, for the grad assistant to go to the police would have meant that he’d lose his job with Penn fucking State; he’d have been ostracized for taking an internal matter outside; he’d have betrayed Joe fucking Pa!. That’s why the other scout leaders didn’t react or do anything when one of their own said, of a 12 year old child, “you were queering with me, too”. As with the church scandals and with Penn State, no crime was committed – just really gross, unseemly behavior. Sick, perverted behavior. And that’s what you did back then – you made it go away and put it out of your mind and I guess it didn’t matter one fucking little bit that the goddamn perpetrator was still out there. Out there was ok, because it wasn’t “here”.
Epilogue: Yes, a crime was committed. Crimes were committed. How many, I don’t know. I checked the state Sexual Predator Registration list and there was mine. The photo showed a 62 year old, 6’1”, 250 lb man. I recognized him. 1988 conviction for 2nd Degree sexual assault, type B. He must have plead down because the Circuit Court Access shows he was charged with a 1st Degree sexual assault.
I am a Motorcyclist and a strongman, and a husband and a father. And when I was a child I was assaulted by an adult. I am a victim. Thank you for letting me talk about it.
Briefly and in random order here are a few of mine in terms of statements and thoughts:
• “You were queering with me, too”. Said the Boy Scout leader to the other leaders in defense of fondling me in a tent one night.
• This is bad I’ve got to get out of here.
• If mom or dad find out I’m in trouble.
I learned that’s how boys handle this kind of shame. And it becomes how a man handles things. We don’t talk. “If I tell mom or dad,( or my friends, or my wife, or)…trouble”.
It wasn’t a Scouting event that day/night. He was pretty cool – let us shoot guns on his parents’ property, make camp fires and do real camping; not just me, but lots of boys.
But, simply, it was cold, cold, cold that night and I was so cold I couldn’t sleep. I said, “I’m freezing”. He said climb in my sleeping bag. I did. It was warmer, but also sickeningly creepy. There wasn’t a lot of room. His hands on me. Not necessary. Not necessary.
I got out.
Did he do that to other boys? I don’t know, but I am certain.
I never knew why the leadership of Troop 134 of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church was unceremoniously removed and replaced a year or so later. I don’t know if my mom and dad know. I think they do; there was a meeting the parents attended. Nothing was shared. What I think happened is that another boy was assaulted and this boy did tell his parents, and his parents did go to the church and did demand…a change.
The church, the BSA, the parents made it go away. No crime was committed – just really gross, unseemly behavior. Sick, perverted behavior. And that’s what you did back then – you made it go away and put it out of your mind and I guess it didn’t matter one fucking little bit that the goddamn perpetrator was still out there. Out there was ok, because it wasn’t “here”.
I don’t think my mom and dad know I was a victim. I never told them.
I know why the grad student didn’t stop the assault taking place in the shower at Penn State, why Joe Pa only reported it internally, why the assistant coach, the assailant, was allowed to keep his reputation intact. Even today, for the grad assistant to go to the police would have meant that he’d lose his job with Penn fucking State; he’d have been ostracized for taking an internal matter outside; he’d have betrayed Joe fucking Pa!. That’s why the other scout leaders didn’t react or do anything when one of their own said, of a 12 year old child, “you were queering with me, too”. As with the church scandals and with Penn State, no crime was committed – just really gross, unseemly behavior. Sick, perverted behavior. And that’s what you did back then – you made it go away and put it out of your mind and I guess it didn’t matter one fucking little bit that the goddamn perpetrator was still out there. Out there was ok, because it wasn’t “here”.
Epilogue: Yes, a crime was committed. Crimes were committed. How many, I don’t know. I checked the state Sexual Predator Registration list and there was mine. The photo showed a 62 year old, 6’1”, 250 lb man. I recognized him. 1988 conviction for 2nd Degree sexual assault, type B. He must have plead down because the Circuit Court Access shows he was charged with a 1st Degree sexual assault.
I am a Motorcyclist and a strongman, and a husband and a father. And when I was a child I was assaulted by an adult. I am a victim. Thank you for letting me talk about it.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
It's a 2006
I ride a 2006 Honda VFR Interceptor. That means my bike is almost 6 years old. But...
- the oil,filter and tires have only 2400 miles on them;
- the chain, sprockets and brake pads have about 600;
- I clean and lube the chain ever other week or so;
- I clean and polish it a couple times per month;
- I check the air pressure in each tire every time I fill it up with gas;
- Before every ride I check the brakes, lights and turn signals;
- Annually I have all the fluids checked.
I also...
- Study to be a better rider;
- Know what I'm good at and enjoy it!
- Know what I'm not good at and practice to get better;
- I only ride 100% sober, 100% of the time;
- I know the risks and take steps to mitigate them.
So what's your hobby or passion. Do you have a whole list of things you do to keep your "2006" running well and safe? to keep your 2006 running like new?
And what about yourself? And your relationships? What are you putting into your body and your mind?
I am making a resolution, here and now, to apply the passion I have for motorcycling to what is really important in my life.
Now, I know that even with everything I do to maintain my 2006, and to mitigate the risks of riding, I may crash. But I also know my 2006 will only get old if I let it get old.
- the oil,filter and tires have only 2400 miles on them;
- the chain, sprockets and brake pads have about 600;
- I clean and lube the chain ever other week or so;
- I clean and polish it a couple times per month;
- I check the air pressure in each tire every time I fill it up with gas;
- Before every ride I check the brakes, lights and turn signals;
- Annually I have all the fluids checked.
I also...
- Study to be a better rider;
- Know what I'm good at and enjoy it!
- Know what I'm not good at and practice to get better;
- I only ride 100% sober, 100% of the time;
- I know the risks and take steps to mitigate them.
So what's your hobby or passion. Do you have a whole list of things you do to keep your "2006" running well and safe? to keep your 2006 running like new?
And what about yourself? And your relationships? What are you putting into your body and your mind?
I am making a resolution, here and now, to apply the passion I have for motorcycling to what is really important in my life.
Now, I know that even with everything I do to maintain my 2006, and to mitigate the risks of riding, I may crash. But I also know my 2006 will only get old if I let it get old.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Decisiveness
I took a nice long ride two weekends ago. Headed south on great Rock County roads, crossed the cheddar curtain into the realm of Northern Illinois. Took a right and passed through Galena, then Dubuque, then back home. I reckoned my direction by the position of the sun as I had the whole day to just ride and not knowing where I was was not an issue. I checked maps when I stopped for refreshments.
On the other hand - it was hot and dry and I stopped frequently for water. I wore all my gear. I practiced my good habits and practiced some things that I hope become good habits. I had fun but I rode my ride.
The path can be taken as it reveals itself. Which fork in the road can be chosen on a whim. But we need to have something to reckon our positions against so, while we enjoy not knowing where we are, we do not get lost.
Values.
Morals.
Belief.
Faith.
We need to keep our balance and know how to swim to the surface. We need to engage in adventure and enjoy the thrills of risk. But the ride cannot take ownership of us.
I agree with "it's the journey, not the destination". But each time we conduct ourselves in a manner inconsistent with our principles we have stopped the journey and arrived at our destination.
On the other hand - it was hot and dry and I stopped frequently for water. I wore all my gear. I practiced my good habits and practiced some things that I hope become good habits. I had fun but I rode my ride.
The path can be taken as it reveals itself. Which fork in the road can be chosen on a whim. But we need to have something to reckon our positions against so, while we enjoy not knowing where we are, we do not get lost.
Values.
Morals.
Belief.
Faith.
We need to keep our balance and know how to swim to the surface. We need to engage in adventure and enjoy the thrills of risk. But the ride cannot take ownership of us.
I agree with "it's the journey, not the destination". But each time we conduct ourselves in a manner inconsistent with our principles we have stopped the journey and arrived at our destination.
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